The Escapades of Ewan!
by shadowgeneral88
Summary: You know how the Sacred Stones epilogue speaks of Ewan going on a journey? Well, you will see how his journey affects him, his party, and even other Fire Emblem Worlds. Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem, NINTENDO and Intelligent Systems do.
1. Chapter 1

_In this story, I show what Ewan really did when he decided to journey and further his magical education. Keep in mind, this Ewan is a powerful sage, like his teacher Saleh, not a Summoner, Druid, or Mage Knight._

Chapter 1: Ewan's Decision

A warm zephyr blew across the desert plains of Jehanna, as the sun rose on the eastern horizon. The wind kicked up a few tumbleweeds that rolled along. The tumbleweeds continued onward, and then reached a cliff, blowing right over the edge past a young boy who stood at the edge. The boy readjusted his robes, and swept back his red hair. He heard a voice call his name, and he turned around to find his sister beckoning him over.

"Honestly, Ewan. You want to go on this trip, you have to pack your own things. And really, when you're abroad, try to find more variety among your clothes," Tethys sighed.

She opened his pack, and eight other sets of robes fell out, each the same red and blue colors in the same patterns on each set. Ewan rolled his eyes.

"But sister, these are my favorite color schemes, and they go with the hair! I can not wear green robes, or brown like Teacher, because they simply don't work for me," he whined.

Tethys grinned.

"You could always borrow one of my dancer outfits," she said slyly.

"Umm, that's okay, I'd best be going if I'm going to catch the boat from Port Kiris. Bye sister, and don't let Gerik have any fun without me," he said hurriedly, hugging his sister, and stuffing the robes and supplies back in his packs.

He sighed as he started walking toward Grado in the south. As he started walking south, a sudden swirl of sand randomly appeared, and out of it stepped Joshua the Swordmaster King of the Dunes. He readjusted his kendo robe, righted the crown on his head, and looked at Ewan.

"So, my little fish friend has decided to see what the bigger fish do in the bigger ocean? I hope you have fun. And remember; never trust a person with shifty eyes further than you can throw them. And looking at you, I don't think you'll throw them very far," the young King said teasingly.

"Joshua, you really need to stop making ocean references, we live in the middle of a flaming desert," Ewan chuckled.

"Just remember, kid, always carry your own dice, and in tough situations, stick to your game face, and lie your way out of a bad hand," Joshua stated with a smirk."

Ewan grinned.

"Natasha's anti-gambling therapy isn't taking you down easily, is it?"

Joshua looked around, feigning fear.

"Gah! Don't speak so loud! She might be following me even now to try and find out where I keep my secret stash of gambling devices! She already tried to smash my ingenious automatic card shuffler with her restore staff. That was a riot! Every time she hit it, it smashed, then repaired itself again. She tried to use a sleep staff, but it tired her out after a while. Then, she used a berserk staff, and the machine sucked her dress hem in, and wouldn't let go. I had to come in and slice it in half to stop her screaming!"

Ewan was laughing uproariously. Then he checked the sun's position in the sky.

Sweet Sacred Stones! I need to get going! I need to hike off to Grado and be there by next Tuesday! Bye, Almighty King of Gamblers!"

With that, Ewan took off on an insanely fast sprint south, and didn't hear Joshua call after him:

"But you're a magic user, you can teleport anywhere! Bah, it's no good, he's too far gone."

Ewan was about a quarter of the way to Grado, and was getting tired of walking.

"Geez, this is hard. You'd think I'd be able to use magic to transport myself to-"

He abruptly stopped talking, stared incredulously at the tree in front of him, and smacked himself in the forehead. He then traced a rune into the air after summoning his magical power, and disappeared in a flash of light.

The forest was quiet for a moment, before a random squirrel sitting on the ground near the tree stopped munching on his acorn.

"Cripes, what an idiotic mage he is. Geez, I thought of teleportation about five minutes ago… Geez, what a newbie. If I were as idiotic as he, I'd be dead right no-"

A fox nearby grew tired of the sardonic squirrel, and pounced, claws at the ready to rend fle-

**BEEP BEEP BEEP** **Censored for Animal Violence.**

"What a strange noise," said the fox, swallowing the last of the squirrel's bushy tail. He then ran into the forest, on the hunt for more, sardonic, mage-bashing squirrels, for magic users are the SHIZNITE, and everyone knows that…

Meanwhile, back in the main story plot:

Ewan faded back into physical being in the middle of Port Kiris, and found himself sitting on top of a crate that a burly sailor was carrying.

"Augh!" the sailor cried as the heavy load became too much for him, and he stumbled and dropped the box on his head.

"Err, sorry, sir. Here's some coin for your trouble, and your medical expenses," Ewan said, tucking some gold coins into the man's vest pocket.

Ewan righted himself, checked that he had all his supplies, and went off to the docks where he would meet his fellow expedition party members.

The sailor had just regained consciousness, and, muttering to himself, picked up the crate and began carrying it to its destination again. Suddenly, he heard a _whoosh, _and when he looked up, saw a dark-robed shaman falling toward him.

"Oh, crap, not again," the sailor had time to say, before the shaman landed on him and knocked him unconscious again.

The shaman, Knoll, stood up, adjusted his robes, and looked around. Noticing the unconscious sailor, he gasped.

"Sorry, good sir. My teleportation is still a bit awkward."

Knoll looked around.

"Now, where is that boy? He's supposed to be going off on a journey, and according to this great, wonderfully shiny device, I know now what my fate is predestined to be."

As he spoke, he pulled out a brand new, shiny metallic-silver Game Boy Advance SP, turned it on, loaded the Sacred Stones Epilogue, and waited ten minutes for it to finally tell him his destiny. It finally showed on the screen.

"Aha! Eureka! I am to disappear suddenly and mysteriously without a trace! Joining young Ewan's quest for knowledge will allow this to go according to plan!"

The shaman attempted to run off to the dock where Ewan was to board the ship, but was yanked back with a strangled yelp. Passerby stared and snickered as he turned around to find his cape snagged in the teleportation rune still floating in the air.

"I never could have foreseen this," Knoll muttered with a sigh.

_That's the end of chapter 1, folks, tune in soon._


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey there, readers. I just wanted to take a moment to be extremely exclamatory:_

_OMFG! THIS IS THE SHIZNITE!!! 41 HITS? HOLY I FEEL LIKE I CAN WRITE AGAIN! AND I WILL!!!!_

_Erm, hehe. Now that that is done, I wanted to say this; I know that there have been 41 hits, and I would truly love it if my readers can leave reviews. But, I'll completely understand if you can't, because you are reading fanfics in the darkness of your bedroom using a Pocket PC with wireless internet for bedtime reading( eheheh, that's me, btw). So humor a newbie writer and leave a comment, or a question, or a story idea. And I'd also like to take this moment to thank my first reviewer, Kusabi Makabe, for the good review. I will take a moment of modesty and say "I don't deserve such praise," but then I'll revert to my hyperactive Friday self and say "OH YEAH! I am the most powerful Ewan story writer in the world!" Lol. Anyway, thank you very much, readers, and here's chapter 2, where you shall meet, THE CREW!_

_Lights, Camera, Action!_

Chapter 2: Ewan's Expeditionary Crew

Ewan reached the docks, as the seagulls circled overhead. Even though he was graced with supreme magical abilities, he was still rushing to get to the docks. He didn't mind too much, as the delays were caused by his self-created obsessive-compulsive desire to help people in need. As he had walked past a park bench, a little old lady was throwing bread crumbs to hungry little swallows, pigeons, and other random birds. Then, the worst thing that can happen, to little innocent old ladies feeding birds, happened. There was a sudden attack by those evil birds we love to chase down beaches: SEAGULLS! They swarmed the old lady like the rats of the sky that they were. And I say were, because as soon as Ewan saw the trouble, he roasted every single gull with an Elfire spell. He was then pleased to see that the starving beggars were able to feed their families roasted gull, and the old lady was unharmed.

Ewan finally reached the docks, and there he met his crew. Over by a pile of luggage, he saw Neimi and Colm, who were rooting through their things, making sure they were ready. He saw Franz and Amelia behind some crates, locked in a fiery kiss of passion. Ewan turned scarlet, and looked away, embarrassed to have caught his friends in such a personal moment. He then looked for the others. He saw Ross approaching, hefting his massive warrior's axe, and an extremely large pack in the other. Behind him were Lute and Artur, arguing about something in a book held between them. He then saw Knoll come striding up, playing with some sort of shiny mechanical device. He was walking as if he was pulling a heavy burden behind him, but Ewan couldn't see what. As Ewan looked at him, Knoll walked up to him.

"Er, sorry to bother you last minute, Ewan, but do you mind if I accompany you on your expedition? I have seen my future, and I am to disappear from this continent mysteriously. Your expedition provides the perfect excuse."

Ewan grinned.

"Absolutely, Knoll, the more the merrier," Ewan said. He then looked behind Knoll.

"Um, Knoll? Are you aware that your cape is stuck in a teleportation rune?"

Knoll huffed, annoyed.

"Yes, it's quite the hassle; I had to drag it all the way down the main road," the disgruntled shaman moaned.

Ewan snapped his fingers, and the rune that Knoll was straining against instantly winked out of existence (because Ewan is truly that awesomely powerful), dumping Knoll to the ground.

Eventually, the group boarded their ship. Right before they left, they were joined by the last few people they had been waiting for; because Syrene flew onto the deck of the ship, and Eirika rode up the boarding ramp, followed by L'Arachel, Dozla, and Rennac.

Ewan was surprised to see the Restoration Queen joining him for his expedition, until she explained that since Ephraim and Tana had been married, she had only been a poster girl for the restoration of Magvel. This journey would eliminate a massive amount of stress for her. And everyone knows that you can't have an insanely awesome journey without a comedy relief trio, such as L'Arachel, Dozla, and Rennac.

As the boat pulled away, they were joined by their final member, who ran to the edge of the dock, leaped, unfurled wings, and landed gracefully on the dock. Myrrh wanted to see the world, and to explore if any other dragons existed across the world.

Chapter 2 Part 2: Ewan's Unusual Adventure.

A few weeks later, the ship ran aground on a massive continent. However, there was something strange about it. Ewan and his friends left the ship to explore, and found that the entire continent was nothing more than a huge mound of dirt and rock, with some hills here and there. They started looking for sentient life.

And they found a form of sentient life in two beings about 20 minutes into their hike inland. One was a fuzzy bear-like creature, and one was a normal human. The two beings were playing rock-paper-scissors, and Ewan's group could see a number of tic-tac-toe games scratched into the dirt.

The bear-creature grinned as he won against scissors with rock.

"Ha, I win again."

Ewan was confused. How did such creatures survive by themselves on such a deserted island?

The human stood up and bowed to them.

"Hello there, welcome to Tellius, continent of two species."

"Erm," Franz expressed confusedly, "Why don't you have villages or mountains or lakes or forests on this island? And where are all the other people?"

Suddenly, a figure in a black robe with red hair stepped out of a shadow that wasn't originally there, armed with a rapier and a bow strapped to his back..

"Ah, hello there, Ewan," the figure said with a bow and a smile, "I am the Shadow General, and I am a huge fan of your ultimate ownage power. I'm also the controller of your life in this story, but don't be worried, you will all live to see the end of the story."

Ewan gulped, for although the figure looked friendly, the fact that he controlled their lives was just a bit creepy (A/N: Completely understandable unease).

"Allow me to explain why there is no furnishing to this continent, and only these two inhabitants. Since I, in my fabulous glory, only own a Game Boy Advance SP and not the Nintendo Gamecube, I have never played Path of Radiance, and so I only know a few facts. The land is called Tellius, and has two species on it. The rest of the emptiness of the island is a result of my lack of knowledge about this particular island. You will see other continents like this, that are the same way, because I have never played them, and because some have not been translated into English and sold in the United States. But by all means, feel free to journey to a continent called Elibe, for I have a great story arc for you there. And if you ever need a hand, just call. We will meet no matter what on Elibe, for it is your destiny. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh, and have some cookies, got hungry and made them. So long, friends."

And with that, The Shadow General disappeared.

"What a strange fellow," Ewan mused as he munched on a chocolate chip cookie.

_That's the end of that chapter folks, sorry for the long wait. Please leave a review if you have time, and if not, I understand completely. A shout out to those in western New York State, who have lost power as a result of a freak Friday-the-13th snowstorm. I'll post again soon. Later._


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey there, loyal readers, sorry for the long wait… been very busy for me lately. But you've waited patiently and not flamed me, so here's your reward._

_Ewan: I still think that it's strange for you to control our destinies… It just bugs me. And what are you gonna put me through this chapter?_

_You just wait and see, Ewan…_

**_points to a ship, erm, fleet of ships, on the horizon_**

Chapter Three: Shipping and Manhandling

Ewan was standing on at the stern of the ship, looking out at the horizon. He glanced toward the rising sun, and then sighed contentedly. He loved the adventure they were embarking on. He was still puzzled about the blank continents that they passed, but he decided to let it go. Because if even Ewan truly understood why such strange occurrences, well, _occurred,_ this story would be no fun.

Ewan then chuckled softly as Ross came staggering onto the deck, and leaned over the side, being violently seasick. He then looked to the front of the ship, and beyond the front of the ship he sighted land.

"Land Ho!" Ewan shouted.

Soon, the party of friends had gathered on the decks of the ship, and the ship had sailed into a port called Badon, only to float haplessly into the center of a massive pirate territory war. Ships fired ballistae at each other on the sea, while on land, hundreds upon hundreds of pirates clashed in the streets, and there was mass carnage. The port's defense force, a thousand generic lance-wielding soldiers, charged into the massive pirate war, and all of them were slain, but no one really cared, because: A) They're generic soldier clones, who all speak the same way and have the same grizzled beard, B) You can never run out of them, because they are unlimited, and C) That's what they deserved for charging into a bunch of axe-wielding, sea-loving, rum-happy pirates while wielding slim spears. The only casualty that resulted from the suicide of generic soldiers was a pirate called One-Eyed Bob, who got his name from killing about 50 generic soldiers, and then picking up a lance to see what the heck it was, and poking himself in the eye with it.

But that's not the point of the story.

The point is that when you accidentally sail into a pirate territory war that involves six different pirate armadas, it's pretty tricky surviving if you have little or no combat skill. Luckily, our heroes had faced the Demon King and survived, which is **_WAY _**more difficult than destroying every pirate and berserker of every band. Ewan was able to help Lute and Knoll destroy enough pirate ships in the harbor to clear a path to land. But as they pulled next to a burning ship, about 40 pirates tried to swing over on ropes. But Colm started throwing knives, and severed the ropes. Some pirates started somersaulting in midair, and others face-planted against the ship's hull.

After some extreme navigation, Ewan and his friends landed in the port and made a base out of the dock. For a while, everyone just pulled out their best weapons and watched the fight. Suddenly, a pirate with a massive gray beard came running up.

"Ahoy, there, landlubbers! Will you help me? My captain was filleted by the enemy, and I need yer help to defeat the others."

Ewan said, "What is your name, sir?"

The grizzled old sailor then replied, "I am First Mate Fargus, and my crew needs your help."

Another sailor came charging up, this one a young boy, no more than 19 years old.

"Captain, the other pirates are allying themselves with each other to kill our crew. We need to find a safe spot!"

"Aye, good work, thank you very much, Dart. We'll hold this dock here. They won't knock old Fargus into the ocean without a good clean lickin'! Avast! Prepare yourselves.

Thousands of pirates charged the docks, and somehow, the 15 men of Fargus' crew fended them off. The bodies continually piled up, higher and higher, until the crew could hide from enemy archers behind a wall of dead. Ewan and his friends joined in the slaughter. Franz, Amelia, and Eirika would charge through groups of pirates, and Knoll, Neimi, Lute, and L'Arachel fired magic into the enemy ranks. Eventually, the battle was over, and the last crew standing was the crew of the new captain, Fargus.

"Thank ye, boy, for saving my ship, my crew, and my reputation. If you ever need to get somewhere across the sea, look no further than the crew of the Davros!"

Ewan thanked his new friends on the pirate crew, and Ewan and Company set off into the…erm, sunrise, because the battle lasted so long.

_Hey everyone, sorry, this is pretty much a filler chapter. Yes, I think generic soldiers are pointless and irritating, but it's fun on a map with billions of them. Sorry for the long time to post, been busy for two weeks. Please review on the way out. Thank you._

_Shadow General_


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey noble readers, I really need to say sorry for the lack of update, I was getting nowhere with ideas, and have decided to do a very dangerous thing: open up my mind's RANDOMNESS GENERATOR!!!! lightning flashes in the background as Shadow General laughs evilly MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! breathes in for about a full minute, then continues evil laugh_

_Ewan: Erm, since the great Shadow General seems unable to continue with the disclaimer, I'll do it for him. Remember, anything from anywhere can show up in the story now, since Shadow General has turned on the fearsome Randomness Generator. Therefore, items such as those that come from different things like books or video games are not owned by Shadow General, they are just being borrowed with full intention of good humor. ON WITH THE STORY!_

Chapter 3: Ewan's Great Staff of Wabbajack (and other Daedric Madness)

Ewan and his soldiers were trudging through some forests in what Ewan's map depicted as deep Etruria. Suddenly, about 7 feet in front of the army, a huge orange, fiery portal flared open, with spikes protruding from the frame around it. And out of it came flying a plain wooden treasure chest. A guttural voice then shouted after the stuff: "Good riddance!"

The portal then collapsed, disintegrated, and ceased to exist on the plane of Elibe. Ewan's party stood stock still for a moment, the members staring, the horses gaping, and the bull that was pulling the supply wagon just continued staring off into space, frankly not giving a beep about what just happened. There was silence, and not even the stupid seagull that had been stalking the party since the port of Badon was silent. Ewan took this moment to blast it.

"Stupid bird," he said, as it dropped to the ground unconscious. The silence continued on, as the whole party, except for the stupid bull, stared at the trunk. The silence was thankfully broken, and the suspenseful horror movie music finally came to an end when Colm yelled out.

"W00t! TREASURE!!!! DIBS! W00t! Owned, n00bs!" he said as he practically attacked the trunk in a fury to get it open.

"Must… pick…lock….get….treasure!" Colm panted, barely comprehensible. He finally got it open, after shattering about 100,000 gold pieces' worth of lockpicks in the process, and everyone crowded around, _ooh-_ing and _aah-_ing at the contents. Ewan took out a staff that was bizarrely shaped, and read some runes carved on the side.

"Wabbajack… What in Sam Heck does that mean?"

He swirled it around in the air a few times, watching the magic swirl around it, and then pointed it at the seagull. That's when it happened:

The seagull suddenly started flashing, changing shape and size a billion times, but only appearing as a silhouette. Then, in a flash of sparks, a huge Cyclops materialized and started chasing Ewan around.

"AAAHHH!!! Getitoff! Getitoff!!! How did it turn into a Cyclops?!?" Ewan shrieked as he ran away from it like a three year old child running away from a spider.

Suddenly, an elflike creature wearing a robe and carrying a cane materialized through another glowing portal that was suspended a foot above the ground. He fell to the ground and rolled around, pointing and laughing at the Cyclops-stricken mage boy.

"HeeHeeHee! HAHAHA!!! OHOHOHOHOHOH!!! THAT'S…THAT'S rich, right there!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!" the strange man/demon/elf struggled to say as his demonic lungs threatened to explode. When he had calmed down enough to speak coherently, he said:

"That's what the Wabbajack staff does! Isn't it ingenious? It's such a great party trick! giggle If you use the staff on a really powerful creature, it generally transforms into a weaker creature. But when used on such a feeble creature as a seagull, it can become anything! HAHAHAHA!"

Then the weird guy disappeared in a blaze of orange light. Ewan finally used Excalibur on the Cyclops, and it ceased to exist. Ewan set the staff back into the trunk.

Ross then reached into the trunk and pulled out another staff. "I don't know why I'm picking it up, I just feel this strange pull."

Suddenly, four little imp-like creatures appeared. As Ewan looked at them, he saw a name appear in the lower right corner of his vision: Everscamp. Then the whole party was suddenly assaulted by a horrible smell, like that of rotting meat.

"Eugh, Ross, tell your little friends to brush their teeth after eating expired food," Amelia choked out."

Lute finally cried out, "I cannot stand their ability to be better than me at anything, even smelling bad!"

She then spazzed on the nearest one with a thunder tome, and then smashed another into a pulpy mess, using her berserk staff. She then incinerated the other two with quick and deadly elfire spells.

Eirika grimaced at the carnage, then laughed when the scamps reappeared again, all four of them. Then she realized the implications of this, and ordered her horse to help her attack. Using Siegelinde, she skewered the little scamps multiple times, then let her horse trample the bodies multiple times. Both woman and horse panted at the exertion of this effort. Then the scamps reappeared. Again.

The whole party spazzed, and in that little clearing in the woods, the party savagely attacked anything in the scamp's area that moved, which unfortunately included Ross, who was still holding the Staff of the Everscamp. But no matter what they did, including incinerating Ross multiple times, the scamps _always came back_!!!

Finally, the Shadow General, who had sat on a stump and watched the foolish people try to defeat the everscamps, said, "It won't do you any good. That's the Staff of the Everscamp, another toy of Sheogorath. I know his tricks well, and you wouldn't believe the trouble this sucker has caused before. I'll take it, I know how to get rid of it."

Ross, after being mended 30+ times, gladly handed over the horrid staff. The Shadow General took it with a grin, and when he had thanked them, he turned around, and raised his right hand above his head, slowly bringing it down, summoning some magic. A shining blue portal appeared, much like the fiery orange ones from earlier. He pulled out his rapier and wielded it in his right hand, holding the staff in his left. He turned around, and said, "Don't worry; I'll join you again shortly. Just keep going north, there's an important task that awaits you there, on the plains of Sacae. Safe travels, my friends!"

And with that, he stepped through the portal, and grinned back through at them. Suddenly, his grin turned to a grimace as the party heard a loud chomp sound.

"AAARGH!!! FOUL DAEDRIC VERMIN!!! Getoff of my leg!!!" he cried, slashing again and again with his sword. He grinned apologetically at them, and waved goodbye as the portal shut.

The group stared after them, then got the convoy moving again. As they started off again, Ewan walked beside Franz and Amelia, the front guards of the band, and said,

"That man, is definitely, without a doubt, possibly my equal in the magical arts, and most assuredly a very capable warrior."

And with that, the army continued its march north. Towards the plains of Sacae, and an unknown destiny and important mission.

_Well, sorry readers, I grew heavily busy after my last post, and I hope this will make up for it. By the way, the reader who leaves a view telling me what game I borrowed all of the funky-fun items from will get my official congratulations and the Honorary Reviewer Cookie of the Chapter Award. Remember, I don't need reviews to survive (said while eating a very tasty positive review), but they sure are good-feeling and delicious. Anything else, Ewan?_

_Ewan: Sure thing, SG! Here's my Coming up Next look at the next chapter update, coming soon: ahem As Ewan and his friends reach the plains, they see the ruins of a former village of plainsmen, they see a lone tent off in the distance, and when they look behind it, they see a HUGE ARMY OF BANDITS!!! ADVANCING ON THE TENT!!! WHAT WILL THEY DO? WILL THEY SAVE THE INHABITANT(S) of the CAVE? Tune in next time for the Escapades of Ewan!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Wow… I am very upset with myself. If you, noble readers, are not upset with me, then I am forever astonished by your patience. I had to student direct a musical between the months of January and March, and have barely had time to catch my breath. So I'm updating, sorry. Anyway, I made a change, and the group will not reach the plains yet. Ewan made an oopsie! So, I need to cover his mistake._

_Ewan: Oh come on! That's what you told me you'd do next, and that's what I input into the Coming up Next Section!_

_SG: throws Ewan a giant Frisbee-sized chocolate chip cookie_

_Ewan: Oh, I mean, I have been a very bad and careless boy. I am very ashamed of myself. bambi eyes_

_SG: after giving thumbs-up to Ewan Good job, Ewan. Don't eat that cookie too fast without a glass of milk handy! And readers, here's a new chapter. I had a bit of a psychology class inspiration yesterday. So look out, and don't "Freudian slip" on the bad psychology jokes, lol. HERE GOES!_

Chapter 5: Ewan's Experiments With Psychiatry 

Ewan was furious. He stared incredulously at the map, wondering how he could have made such a horrid blunder. He was growing annoyed with his map, as it was not his continent. Ewan finally felt the first pangs of homesickness, not because he missed his sister or Gerik's Mercenaries, but because he missed having a map that he could read properly.

"How in the world," cried Ewan with childish rage, "Did we get turned around going through etrierehehe…"

"Etruria," said Lute in a calm monotony.

"Latona bless you," said Ewan.

"I didn't sneeze, Ewan. The name of the country we thought ourselves to be in is named Etruria," Lute said with a sigh.

Ewan froze.

"What do you mean 'we thought ourselves'? We were in Etruria, passing through Wocky Forest while heading north! How were we not in Etruria?"

"Latona bless you," said Amelia quietly.

"I DIDN'T SNEEZE!!!" screamed Ewan at the top of his lungs.

"Ewan, you are incorrect. We are not in Etruria. We are in Jabber Forest in Lycia, not Wocky Forest in Etruria. They are shaped geographically the same, due to a protest for peace that the woodcutters performed during their last war, which caused many people to become lost and scattered, causing the formation of the different provinces, such as Caelin, Ryerde, Worde, Laus, and others," Lute rambled on.

"LUTE! If I want a geography lesson, I'll give it to you!"

"Friends, why should we argue? Why not just ask for directions from the next person we see? It should be relatively simple then," said L'Arachel calmly.

So they rode on in a general northern direction until they came upon a cavalier wielding a bright silver lance. Franz started drooling after looking upon the lance. The cavalier, clad in reddish-purple armor with a smug look on his face, looked up at the group as they approached.

"Ah," he drawled, "Welcome to Laus. I am Erik, heir to the throne of the Marquess of Laus. Our Marquess is Marquess Darin. How may I be of service?"

Ross leaned over to Franz.

"Doesn't he have a facial expression similar to Innes, Franz?"

Franz nodded, as Amelia spoke.

"Here Ewan, let me handle this. You might be too steamed up, and women are better at asking for directions."

She approached Erik.

"Greetings, good Sir Erik. I am Amelia of Grado, a paladin in service to the Throne of the Emperor of Grado. I was wondering if you could help us with directions, because we're touring your beauteous continent, and-"

Erik scoffed, openly and mockingly.

"How dare you address me in such a casual fashion, woman. A woman of your stature shouldn't dare to approach a noble lord such as myself without my permission, much less speak."

Franz was shaking in rage. He almost charged Erik with his Killing Edge, when suddenly a figure in black armor appeared quietly next to him.

"Hold your sword, a second, Franz. Let Amelia deal with this pompous bas- erm, royal brat," the Shadow General whispered. Ewan grinned in anticipation.

Amelia exploded into a fit of screaming rage.

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME BY TRYING TO PULL RANK AND STATURE! YOU SNOBBY CHAUVINISTIC PIG! I OUGHT TO PULL OUT A KILLER LANCE AND CRIT YOUR PUNK-CAVALIER-WITH-A-SILVER-LANCE FACE!"

As Amelia unloaded all of her verbal assault on Erik, he started trembling. His horse dumped him off of his back, ran away a few feet, and dropped to the ground to play dead. Meanwhile, Erik lay cowering on the ground, whimpering.

"If he weren't such a jerk, I'd actually feel sorry for him," said Ewan to the Shadow General. SG only nodded in assent.

Amelia finished her rant, and then stalked off into the woods. Franz went to follow, but Ewan stopped him.

"Hang on, Franz. I'll go help her, because I have this amazing piece of paper!"

He held up a piece of paper that said:

University of Caer Pelyn 

**Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology**

**Specializing in Psychoanalysis**

**Awarded to Ewan for Scholastic Achievement**

"Wow, Ewan, where did you get that?" Ross asked in amazement.

"SG gave it to me. He said his Randomness Generator spit it out for me. Anyway, off I go. Let's just camp here for the night. Dozla, help Franz and Ross unload the supply wagons. Princess Eirika, if you and L'Arachel could gather kindling? Everyone else, set up tents and post a watch."

With that, Ewan ran off into the woods.

Ewan was sitting in a leather-upholstered armchair, with a gray beard and mustache on his face. He was wearing bifocals, and puffing on a cigar that blew out bubbles in all of the colors known to man. Amelia was lying on a couch, facing toward a window that was showing the forest outside. A fire was crackling in the fireplace, and thousands of books lined shelves around the room. A desk sat near the fire, with a fresh roll of parchment and a peacock-feather quill sat in an inkwell on the desk.

"So, Amelia," Ewan said with an Austrian accent, "When did you start having this problem with maintaining self control when facing arrogant men?" He puffed on the cigar, and multicolored bubbles floated out, a very puke-like green color popping on Amelia's nose and giving off the scent of lilacs. (A/N: Why lilacs? I dunno, I make this up as I go…)

Amelia sighed woefully, closing her eyes as she reminisced.

"It was about the time that I first joined the Grado army as a fresh, eager recruit. I was ready to go out and fight for the Emperor. I first went to the port of Port Kiris with my first commander, who treated me like a drill sergeant. Then, I went to Fort Rigwald, where I served under Commander Gheb, and he was a very chauvinistic, fat pig of a man, who I was just another generic soldier to." She sighed and took a sip of tea. Then she spoke again.

"Ewan, why are you speaking so funny? And why do you have a cigar? People our age shouldn't smoke. And why is there a psychiatry office in the middle of the woods?"

"Firstly, I am Sigmund-Ewan Freud, an Austrian native with a passion for studying the human psyche. Secondly, this is a toy cigar that I made that shoots out flavored- I mean scented bubbles. I don't smoke, ever. And lastly, if you ask me no questions about the office, I will tell you no lies about the office, okay? Okay!" Ewan puffed on the toy cigar again, and a brown bubble came out that smelled like espresso. "Now, Amelia, think back before the war. Was there perhaps something that ignited this aggression toward chauvinists before? Something maybe to do with issues with your mother?"

Amelia glared at "Sigmund-Ewan Freud" from where she was on the couch.

"My mother was kidnapped by an all-female bandit gang, Sigmund-Ewan Fraud!"

"Freud," Ewan corrected her with his Austrian accent, "And I apologize, but it is in the questions I ask everyone. You must remember, Amelia, that not all men are like that fool-of-a-lordling Erik back there. You must continue to be kind, chivalrous, and friendly to all whom you may meet. You mustn't let a few chauvinistic/sadistic/easily-depressed bad guys ruin your life experience."

"You're right. Thank you "Sigmund-Ewan Fraud," she said with a friendly hug.

"Freud. And you are very welcome."

The army eventually continued on, under the leadership of the now beardless Ewan, and they finally moved forward north until they reached the great plains of Sacae. But as they left Jabber Forest, Ewan used an Elfire tome to roast half of the trees on the edge of the forest they emerged from.

"That way I can tell the difference," Ewan said with a laugh.

Meanwhile, the Mage-Bashing Squirrel ran in circles on the edge of the forest, tail alight in the late afternoon sun, asking Ewan for forgiveness for his meanness so he could keep his tail. The Wolf that attacked later was only too happy to help douse the fire on the squirrel's tail with a load of saliva.

"Oh, crud," said the squirrel as the wolf pounced, rending the squirrel's flesh with

**BEEP BEEP** **Censored for Animal VIOLENCE!**

End of Chapter 5 

_SG: Well, I hope that this chapter appeases you, my readers. Thanks for sticking with me! And remember, they really do make Frisbee-sized cookies!_

_Congrats to everyone who figured out that I was talking about Oblivion in the last chapter. Free cookies all around, and free Recognition ribbons. See you next time, I will probably update really soon. Just read the last chapter's sneak preview for the sneak preview for this chapter. That should cover up the mistake I- er, Ewan made last time. Later all._

_The Shadow General_


End file.
